Tag Archives: rules

Your Mind In 3-D


English: Kitten hiding behind some stuff in ou...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ever done the “pocket of rocks” exercise?  It entails filling your pockets with rocks and only taking one out to drop it on the ground when you let go of a usual behavior.  We’re talking about self-defeating behaviors such as avoiding the person who you have a problem with.  In order to get rid of a rock, talk to the person and bring up the issue.  There’s no guarantee of you and the person straightening things out right away, but the avoidance is over.  The pain-in-the-ass action of hiding your feelings and thoughts is past, at least in this respect.  To talk is a way to add dimension to the issue and offer yourself and other people with a choice of what to do on the matter.

Many of us assume that because our thoughts and feelings exist, the other people in our lives will automatically know how we stand on everything.  Because of this, we expect these people to behave a certain way.  But we end up being surprised and hurt on a daily basis.  And it turns out that none of us have acquired the ability to read minds.  People young and old, whether you think it’s right or not, are going to go about their business towards needs and wants of the moment.  No amount of protest is going to make any lasting difference.  An occasional demonstration of anger is much like hearing a car backfire while walking down the street.  Some people might feel startled and look in that direction, but are soon continuing to walk on.  So a noise was made.  Big deal.

Most of us do pay attention to established rules.  Rules are based on the costs and benefits of certain behaviors.  The cost of my son yelling and screaming while I’m on the phone, is that I’m only hearing part of what the other person says.  I’m missing out on information and have to ask the caller to repeat himself.  Now I have to spend a longer time on the phone.  More time on the phone, means less time doing something else which is important to me and my son.  This means we lose all around.  New household rule: Quiet when someone is on the phone.  The consequence to disobeying this rule is…

The rule is made aware by discussing the costs and benefits with all household occupants and then posting it in a central place.  Now it’s out of your head and on paper or poster board.  Everyone can see it and you don’t have to rely on the fantasy of mind-reading.

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We Don’t Wear Leashes!


English: visual representation of the Freud's ...

English: visual representation of the Freud’s id, ego and super-ego and the level of consciousness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most of us want to experience more in life.  We want to do better in quite a few different areas, whether it having a greater financial situation or increased physical strength.  A lot of us can attest to wanting our relationships with certain people to make more sense.  The only barrier to this, is the strength of ego.  Ego is what has each of us settling back into a safe “reality” on a daily basis.  Ego is the safety governor that works against every idea of personal freedom and measures of assertiveness.  It is the stuff that throttles a person with tinges of guilt or creeping embarrassment when he or she is about to take an action, that goes against their yesterday.

The messages which give proof of a personal safety governor:

“I’ll look stupid.”

“They/ he/ she will think I’m some sort of weirdo.”

“I’m coming on too strong.”

“I’m not ready yet.”

“They’re not ready yet.”

“I’m just being impulsive.”

“Have to do this first.”

The train of self-sabotage goes on and on.  We rationalize that the messages and accompanying emotions are there for a reason and the doubts make sense.  What doesn’t make sense is the restlessness and time spent looking back on what could have been.  What really does not make any sense is the time spent bitching about the current state of affairs and talking about what someone else is able to do.  It’s kind of like forfeiting one’s right to take part in life.  When anyone of us stands there and says “I wished I had that kind of talent” while speaking about someone else’s accomplishment, it is the same as “I give up.”

I have news for anyone who operates such a premise.  The personal ego “defense system” is blind to reality.  Fear, self-doubt and inner criticism are based on expectations and beliefs, which are nothing more than stories fabricated in the mind.  While still inside the mind, they are but mere shadows.  Are shadows supposed to be the ruling body?